This weekend at the Toronto Film Festival, Jennifer Aniston was asked how she was doing since…you know…John Mayer dumped her ass.
Jennifer Aniston responded that she was busy but happy, blah blah blah. The reporters probably tried to ask a lot more about John Mayer, but since I only read a blurb about this, it cut right to talking about the film she was there to promote, which is called something boring that I can’t remember, and is about a woman “who finds her inner strength.” You know, like almost every female-centric movie ever. Someone asked Jennifer Aniston how she finds her inner strength (my response would have been, “fair to middling” if I were her, but what do I know?) and she said she finds it just by waking up in the morning.
Whoa, Jennifer Aniston. Whoa.
This seems like it can go one of two ways. I think this is really kind of low-balling it, Jennifer. Just by waking up in the morning? Just by getting out of bed? That is something everyone is expected to do, Jen, so unless you are suffering from severe depression or are incredibly physically ill, you aren’t doing anything that amazing. You are just getting out of bed and you think that makes you strong? Some of us find our strength by, like, I don’t know, listening to Jordin Sparks on repeat. And I am ashamed of that, but I still think I am doing more work than Jen. I mean, even Reese Witherspoon started kickboxing and became anorexic and look how that worked out for her. She is dating that man with the prettiest puppy eyes in the world now. She wins.
This pretty much proves two things: 1. Jennifer Aniston is an idiot and 2. John Mayer fucks women up. I think we knew Jennifer Aniston was an idiot anyway, and I am sure she is pretty fucked up herself after being dumped by Brad Pitt, but John Mayer was a pretty dangerous place to go. The guy drove Jessica Simpson to the point where she is checking Tony Romo’s phone to make sure he’s not actually calling Carrie Underwood (am I the only one who realizes you can erase entries in your call logs?) and making country CD’s. Half of John Mayer’s songs are about how he knows he treats women like shit. He doesn’t seem like your safest path to healing, if you ask me. Yeah, he has bitchin’ arms and that "Bucket List" song is awesome, but come on. What, did you think you were going to fix him with your love and he would stop banging groupies? That seems like a pretty ambitious goal, especially for someone who thinks getting out of bed is the strongest thing she can do.
How to tell your kids: You were born to a different mommy, but Mommy found you and brought you home an gave you a wonderful life here because she needs approval from someone, and grown men just refuse to give it.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Tommy Girl isn't just a cologne anymore.
David Spade had a baby this week.
The best part of about this is the media's and/or Spade's need for us to not think of him as a total scumbag. Look at the John Waters-esque mustache he's sporting in that photo. Think about the fact that his baby mama is a Playmate. Recall his Capital One commercials. Scumbag.
But honestly, People Magazine/Spade spokesperson: Don't show us a fling and call it a relationship. It cheapens relationships for everyone else. Yes, yes...of course we can make the argument that any interaction between two or more people can be characterized as a "relationship" of sorts but that would be lame and confusing to the youth of America who are already under pressure to understand the hierarchy of moral offenses (as brought to you by the letters "R," "N," and "C").
Let's call this what it is: David Spade banged a hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress to ease the pain of Heather Locklear's departure from his life and the hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress gets herself some child support money to use for the next 18 years.
Whew! All that honesty sure is making me feel better. While I'm on a roll, Mom -- we can totally quit pretending that your youngest daughter is my sister. She looks more like me anyway.
The best part of about this is the media's and/or Spade's need for us to not think of him as a total scumbag. Look at the John Waters-esque mustache he's sporting in that photo. Think about the fact that his baby mama is a Playmate. Recall his Capital One commercials. Scumbag.
But honestly, People Magazine/Spade spokesperson: Don't show us a fling and call it a relationship. It cheapens relationships for everyone else. Yes, yes...of course we can make the argument that any interaction between two or more people can be characterized as a "relationship" of sorts but that would be lame and confusing to the youth of America who are already under pressure to understand the hierarchy of moral offenses (as brought to you by the letters "R," "N," and "C").
Let's call this what it is: David Spade banged a hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress to ease the pain of Heather Locklear's departure from his life and the hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress gets herself some child support money to use for the next 18 years.
Whew! All that honesty sure is making me feel better. While I'm on a roll, Mom -- we can totally quit pretending that your youngest daughter is my sister. She looks more like me anyway.
Monday, September 1, 2008
She's made up her mind, she's keeping her baby
Sarah Palin is having a busy week. First she is chosen to be a vessel in the Republican party's fight for the White House, and next she is forced to announce to the family-loving, values-supporting world that her 17-year-old daughter is with child. Out of wedlock. Yeah, teen pregancy! That's just what this ticket needs!
The daughter, who has some kind of crunchy Northern Exposure name I can't remember, is supposedly five months pregnant (so it's kind of late to make a choice, if she had a choice to make) and she's keeping it. And she's going to marry her baby daddy...eventually. And I am sure that marriage will last and last and last forever and ever, world without end.
Sarah Palin kind of can't hide it anymore, I suppose, as it's probably going to be obvious when they cut to a shot of the daughter holding her own FIVE MONTH OLD SON (because that is why we have kids seventeen years apart...built in baby sitters!) I hope she is as glamorous and undertstated a teen mom as Jamie Lynn and that girl from "Whale Rider," but chances are, we won't be able to get her off the snow mobile long enough to see much of a bump watch.
If nothing else, it only convinces me more that a 44-year-old grandma is just what we need to possibly run this country in the event of John McCain's heart attack.
The daughter, who has some kind of crunchy Northern Exposure name I can't remember, is supposedly five months pregnant (so it's kind of late to make a choice, if she had a choice to make) and she's keeping it. And she's going to marry her baby daddy...eventually. And I am sure that marriage will last and last and last forever and ever, world without end.
Sarah Palin kind of can't hide it anymore, I suppose, as it's probably going to be obvious when they cut to a shot of the daughter holding her own FIVE MONTH OLD SON (because that is why we have kids seventeen years apart...built in baby sitters!) I hope she is as glamorous and undertstated a teen mom as Jamie Lynn and that girl from "Whale Rider," but chances are, we won't be able to get her off the snow mobile long enough to see much of a bump watch.
If nothing else, it only convinces me more that a 44-year-old grandma is just what we need to possibly run this country in the event of John McCain's heart attack.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
19-year-old hot boy would rather make out with non-pregnant chick.
Report: Jamie Lynn Spears' Fiance Cheated While She Was Pregnant
Everyone loves a hot chick, even the straightest, most homophobic and/or Liz Taylor aspiring lady. But seriously a huge old gut is a turn off, regardless of whether it's the result of a baby or beers, no matter what Brad Pitt says. Sure it can be overcome by money or like really hilarious jokes but we don't need a bumper sticker to tell us, "No fat chicks." We just know.
Jamie Lynn could not be cute pregnant. Whereas a sweet 31-year-old woman who's been trying to get preggos for years might garner the praise of being "adorable" for a duck-and-pig bedecked muumuu, no amount of public shame can fashion a burka thick enough for Nickelodeon's teen queen to hide under. Likewise, no amount of one's big sister's depleting fortune can force Casey Aldridge to not be a dog.
Obviously we all know poor sweet Maddie Briann is the ultimate loser in this situation, of no fault of her own, lest she be adopted out to just about any other family on the planet. The clear winner? Kelli Dawson, duh.
MySpace search her! Her first name isn't the most traditional of spellings, she's 28 and from that AR/MS/LA triangle so it's pretty easy to pinpoint her down from the two pages of results you'll get on a search from her name. Plus her profile photo is of a shirtless girl displaying the poignant "KARMA" Sharpied on her back, flicking off the camera. If these factors don't spell out "fucked a 17-year-old celebrity's douchebag baby daddy," you need to repeat Phonics.
For the ounce of class you maintain by keeping both MySpace and Facebook pages privatized, Kelli Dawson, I salute you. Now if you'd just quit running your mouth to Fox News and the like about how you homewrecked the life of a publicly-displayed mentally and emotionally troubled pregnant child and wipe that silver and blue shit off of your face, I could sleep a little easier after having made out with someone six years my junior while still dating my worthless ex.
How to Tell Your Kids: Fuck you. If you have to tell your kid about the harrows of being cheated on while pregnant as a teen, you get solitary. Slipping the female youths of America a daily birth control pill and/or aborting male fetuses in utero is your responsibility and if you can't handle that, you should be rereading an anatomy text instead of this blog.
Everyone loves a hot chick, even the straightest, most homophobic and/or Liz Taylor aspiring lady. But seriously a huge old gut is a turn off, regardless of whether it's the result of a baby or beers, no matter what Brad Pitt says. Sure it can be overcome by money or like really hilarious jokes but we don't need a bumper sticker to tell us, "No fat chicks." We just know.
Jamie Lynn could not be cute pregnant. Whereas a sweet 31-year-old woman who's been trying to get preggos for years might garner the praise of being "adorable" for a duck-and-pig bedecked muumuu, no amount of public shame can fashion a burka thick enough for Nickelodeon's teen queen to hide under. Likewise, no amount of one's big sister's depleting fortune can force Casey Aldridge to not be a dog.
Obviously we all know poor sweet Maddie Briann is the ultimate loser in this situation, of no fault of her own, lest she be adopted out to just about any other family on the planet. The clear winner? Kelli Dawson, duh.
MySpace search her! Her first name isn't the most traditional of spellings, she's 28 and from that AR/MS/LA triangle so it's pretty easy to pinpoint her down from the two pages of results you'll get on a search from her name. Plus her profile photo is of a shirtless girl displaying the poignant "KARMA" Sharpied on her back, flicking off the camera. If these factors don't spell out "fucked a 17-year-old celebrity's douchebag baby daddy," you need to repeat Phonics.
For the ounce of class you maintain by keeping both MySpace and Facebook pages privatized, Kelli Dawson, I salute you. Now if you'd just quit running your mouth to Fox News and the like about how you homewrecked the life of a publicly-displayed mentally and emotionally troubled pregnant child and wipe that silver and blue shit off of your face, I could sleep a little easier after having made out with someone six years my junior while still dating my worthless ex.
How to Tell Your Kids: Fuck you. If you have to tell your kid about the harrows of being cheated on while pregnant as a teen, you get solitary. Slipping the female youths of America a daily birth control pill and/or aborting male fetuses in utero is your responsibility and if you can't handle that, you should be rereading an anatomy text instead of this blog.
Friday, August 29, 2008
David Duchovny probably did love Bree Sharp (biblically, that is).
David Duchovny Enters Rehab for Sex Addiction.
What this headline isn't is, "David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Enter Rehab for Sex Addiction." Obviously this means one of two things: (1) Tea ain't complainin' or (2) Tea ain't involved. Thus it begs the question, "Must sex addiction involve philandering when it is the affliction of a married individual?"I would assume it needs to be with different people. Just because simply, your partner is going to need to go to work and sleep and the dentist and stuff, and I mean, if you’re an alcoholic, even if your regular bar serves you every night, there is still going to be a certain point of the evening where the bartender says, “You’ve had enough. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off?” So do you go home and sleep it off? No. You stop at the 7-Eleven and buy a 40 and find a nice corner of the alley to hang out in, because you are not ready for this party to stop.
Case in point: Eric Benet managed to ruin his marriage with Halle Berry thanks to a sex addiction. That pretty much proves that it’s a need to more or less bone everything in sight, because Halle Berry is supposed to be the prettiest lady ever. (She’s the nicest lady ever too, because one time she showed us her boobs! [For her ART!]) If you aren’t content to stick it in the prettiest lady ever, you must have a problem. But payback is a bitch, and sure, you can have all those years of sex with thousands of women, but in the end, the woman you cheated on will have a baby with a model, while you will resume being the guy who cheated on Halle Berry, and is possibly a musician of some sort.
Though it pains me to say it, I blame Tea Leoni. Because she had to have at least vaguely known what she was getting into. Sure, you see it rosily, but when you’re marrying an alcoholic, you realize you’re going to have to make some apologetic phone calls at the very least. Did she think he would change for her? Did she think she was up to the task of non-stop sex? Was this as big a surprise to her as it was to us? Did she watch “Californication” and wonder if it was art imitating life or life imitating art? Honestly: I’d forgotten they were even married until I read this article.
How to Tell Your Kyds: "You have to have so much sex. All the time. With lots of different people. It’s like alcoholism, but with sex instead of vodka."
What this headline isn't is, "David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Enter Rehab for Sex Addiction." Obviously this means one of two things: (1) Tea ain't complainin' or (2) Tea ain't involved. Thus it begs the question, "Must sex addiction involve philandering when it is the affliction of a married individual?"I would assume it needs to be with different people. Just because simply, your partner is going to need to go to work and sleep and the dentist and stuff, and I mean, if you’re an alcoholic, even if your regular bar serves you every night, there is still going to be a certain point of the evening where the bartender says, “You’ve had enough. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off?” So do you go home and sleep it off? No. You stop at the 7-Eleven and buy a 40 and find a nice corner of the alley to hang out in, because you are not ready for this party to stop.
Case in point: Eric Benet managed to ruin his marriage with Halle Berry thanks to a sex addiction. That pretty much proves that it’s a need to more or less bone everything in sight, because Halle Berry is supposed to be the prettiest lady ever. (She’s the nicest lady ever too, because one time she showed us her boobs! [For her ART!]) If you aren’t content to stick it in the prettiest lady ever, you must have a problem. But payback is a bitch, and sure, you can have all those years of sex with thousands of women, but in the end, the woman you cheated on will have a baby with a model, while you will resume being the guy who cheated on Halle Berry, and is possibly a musician of some sort.
Though it pains me to say it, I blame Tea Leoni. Because she had to have at least vaguely known what she was getting into. Sure, you see it rosily, but when you’re marrying an alcoholic, you realize you’re going to have to make some apologetic phone calls at the very least. Did she think he would change for her? Did she think she was up to the task of non-stop sex? Was this as big a surprise to her as it was to us? Did she watch “Californication” and wonder if it was art imitating life or life imitating art? Honestly: I’d forgotten they were even married until I read this article.
How to Tell Your Kyds: "You have to have so much sex. All the time. With lots of different people. It’s like alcoholism, but with sex instead of vodka."
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