19-year-old hot boy would rather make out with non-pregnant chick.

Report: Jamie Lynn Spears' Fiance Cheated While She Was Pregnant

Everyone loves a hot chick, even the straightest, most homophobic and/or Liz Taylor aspiring lady. But seriously a huge old gut is a turn off, regardless of whether it's the result of a baby or beers, no matter what Brad Pitt says. Sure it can be overcome by money or like really hilarious jokes but we don't need a bumper sticker to tell us, "No fat chicks." We just know.

Jamie Lynn could not be cute pregnant. Whereas a sweet 31-year-old woman who's been trying to get preggos for years might garner the praise of being "adorable" for a duck-and-pig bedecked muumuu, no amount of public shame can fashion a burka thick enough for Nickelodeon's teen queen to hide under. Likewise, no amount of one's big sister's depleting fortune can force Casey Aldridge to not be a dog.

Obviously we all know poor sweet Maddie Briann is the ultimate loser in this situation, of no fault of her own, lest she be adopted out to just about any other family on the planet. The clear winner? Kelli Dawson, duh.

MySpace search her! Her first name isn't the most traditional of spellings, she's 28 and from that AR/MS/LA triangle so it's pretty easy to pinpoint her down from the two pages of results you'll get on a search from her name. Plus her profile photo is of a shirtless girl displaying the poignant "KARMA" Sharpied on her back, flicking off the camera. If these factors don't spell out "fucked a 17-year-old celebrity's douchebag baby daddy," you need to repeat Phonics.

For the ounce of class you maintain by keeping both MySpace and Facebook pages privatized, Kelli Dawson, I salute you. Now if you'd just quit running your mouth to Fox News and the like about how you homewrecked the life of a publicly-displayed mentally and emotionally troubled pregnant child and wipe that silver and blue shit off of your face, I could sleep a little easier after having made out with someone six years my junior while still dating my worthless ex.

How to Tell Your Kids: Fuck you. If you have to tell your kid about the harrows of being cheated on while pregnant as a teen, you get solitary. Slipping the female youths of America a daily birth control pill and/or aborting male fetuses in utero is your responsibility and if you can't handle that, you should be rereading an anatomy text instead of this blog.