Tommy Girl isn't just a cologne anymore.

David Spade had a baby this week.

The best part of about this is the media's and/or Spade's need for us to not think of him as a total scumbag. Look at the John Waters-esque mustache he's sporting in that photo. Think about the fact that his baby mama is a Playmate. Recall his Capital One commercials. Scumbag.

But honestly, People Magazine/Spade spokesperson: Don't show us a fling and call it a relationship. It cheapens relationships for everyone else. Yes, yes...of course we can make the argument that any interaction between two or more people can be characterized as a "relationship" of sorts but that would be lame and confusing to the youth of America who are already under pressure to understand the hierarchy of moral offenses (as brought to you by the letters "R," "N," and "C").

Let's call this what it is: David Spade banged a hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress to ease the pain of Heather Locklear's departure from his life and the hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress gets herself some child support money to use for the next 18 years.

Whew! All that honesty sure is making me feel better. While I'm on a roll, Mom -- we can totally quit pretending that your youngest daughter is my sister. She looks more like me anyway.