And then John Mayer said something quirky in Japanese.

This weekend at the Toronto Film Festival, Jennifer Aniston was asked how she was doing since…you know…John Mayer dumped her ass.

Jennifer Aniston responded that she was busy but happy, blah blah blah. The reporters probably tried to ask a lot more about John Mayer, but since I only read a blurb about this, it cut right to talking about the film she was there to promote, which is called something boring that I can’t remember, and is about a woman “who finds her inner strength.” You know, like almost every female-centric movie ever. Someone asked Jennifer Aniston how she finds her inner strength (my response would have been, “fair to middling” if I were her, but what do I know?) and she said she finds it just by waking up in the morning.

Whoa, Jennifer Aniston. Whoa.

This seems like it can go one of two ways. I think this is really kind of low-balling it, Jennifer. Just by waking up in the morning? Just by getting out of bed? That is something everyone is expected to do, Jen, so unless you are suffering from severe depression or are incredibly physically ill, you aren’t doing anything that amazing. You are just getting out of bed and you think that makes you strong? Some of us find our strength by, like, I don’t know, listening to Jordin Sparks on repeat. And I am ashamed of that, but I still think I am doing more work than Jen. I mean, even Reese Witherspoon started kickboxing and became anorexic and look how that worked out for her. She is dating that man with the prettiest puppy eyes in the world now. She wins.

This pretty much proves two things: 1. Jennifer Aniston is an idiot and 2. John Mayer fucks women up. I think we knew Jennifer Aniston was an idiot anyway, and I am sure she is pretty fucked up herself after being dumped by Brad Pitt, but John Mayer was a pretty dangerous place to go. The guy drove Jessica Simpson to the point where she is checking Tony Romo’s phone to make sure he’s not actually calling Carrie Underwood (am I the only one who realizes you can erase entries in your call logs?) and making country CD’s. Half of John Mayer’s songs are about how he knows he treats women like shit. He doesn’t seem like your safest path to healing, if you ask me. Yeah, he has bitchin’ arms and that "Bucket List" song is awesome, but come on. What, did you think you were going to fix him with your love and he would stop banging groupies? That seems like a pretty ambitious goal, especially for someone who thinks getting out of bed is the strongest thing she can do.

How to tell your kids: You were born to a different mommy, but Mommy found you and brought you home an gave you a wonderful life here because she needs approval from someone, and grown men just refuse to give it.

Tommy Girl isn't just a cologne anymore.

David Spade had a baby this week.

The best part of about this is the media's and/or Spade's need for us to not think of him as a total scumbag. Look at the John Waters-esque mustache he's sporting in that photo. Think about the fact that his baby mama is a Playmate. Recall his Capital One commercials. Scumbag.

But honestly, People Magazine/Spade spokesperson: Don't show us a fling and call it a relationship. It cheapens relationships for everyone else. Yes, yes...of course we can make the argument that any interaction between two or more people can be characterized as a "relationship" of sorts but that would be lame and confusing to the youth of America who are already under pressure to understand the hierarchy of moral offenses (as brought to you by the letters "R," "N," and "C").

Let's call this what it is: David Spade banged a hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress to ease the pain of Heather Locklear's departure from his life and the hot, relatively nameless aspiring actress gets herself some child support money to use for the next 18 years.

Whew! All that honesty sure is making me feel better. While I'm on a roll, Mom -- we can totally quit pretending that your youngest daughter is my sister. She looks more like me anyway.

She's made up her mind, she's keeping her baby

Sarah Palin is having a busy week. First she is chosen to be a vessel in the Republican party's fight for the White House, and next she is forced to announce to the family-loving, values-supporting world that her 17-year-old daughter is with child. Out of wedlock. Yeah, teen pregancy! That's just what this ticket needs!

The daughter, who has some kind of crunchy Northern Exposure name I can't remember, is supposedly five months pregnant (so it's kind of late to make a choice, if she had a choice to make) and she's keeping it. And she's going to marry her baby daddy...eventually. And I am sure that marriage will last and last and last forever and ever, world without end.

Sarah Palin kind of can't hide it anymore, I suppose, as it's probably going to be obvious when they cut to a shot of the daughter holding her own FIVE MONTH OLD SON (because that is why we have kids seventeen years apart...built in baby sitters!) I hope she is as glamorous and undertstated a teen mom as Jamie Lynn and that girl from "Whale Rider," but chances are, we won't be able to get her off the snow mobile long enough to see much of a bump watch.

If nothing else, it only convinces me more that a 44-year-old grandma is just what we need to possibly run this country in the event of John McCain's heart attack.