Report: Jamie Lynn Spears' Fiance Cheated While She Was Pregnant
Everyone loves a hot chick, even the straightest, most homophobic and/or Liz Taylor aspiring lady. But seriously a huge old gut is a turn off, regardless of whether it's the result of a baby or beers, no matter what Brad Pitt says. Sure it can be overcome by money or like really hilarious jokes but we don't need a bumper sticker to tell us, "No fat chicks." We just know.
Jamie Lynn could not be cute pregnant. Whereas a sweet 31-year-old woman who's been trying to get preggos for years might garner the praise of being "adorable" for a duck-and-pig bedecked muumuu, no amount of public shame can fashion a burka thick enough for Nickelodeon's teen queen to hide under. Likewise, no amount of one's big sister's depleting fortune can force Casey Aldridge to not be a dog.
Obviously we all know poor sweet Maddie Briann is the ultimate loser in this situation, of no fault of her own, lest she be adopted out to just about any other family on the planet. The clear winner? Kelli Dawson, duh.
MySpace search her! Her first name isn't the most traditional of spellings, she's 28 and from that AR/MS/LA triangle so it's pretty easy to pinpoint her down from the two pages of results you'll get on a search from her name. Plus her profile photo is of a shirtless girl displaying the poignant "KARMA" Sharpied on her back, flicking off the camera. If these factors don't spell out "fucked a 17-year-old celebrity's douchebag baby daddy," you need to repeat Phonics.
For the ounce of class you maintain by keeping both MySpace and Facebook pages privatized, Kelli Dawson, I salute you. Now if you'd just quit running your mouth to Fox News and the like about how you homewrecked the life of a publicly-displayed mentally and emotionally troubled pregnant child and wipe that silver and blue shit off of your face, I could sleep a little easier after having made out with someone six years my junior while still dating my worthless ex.
How to Tell Your Kids: Fuck you. If you have to tell your kid about the harrows of being cheated on while pregnant as a teen, you get solitary. Slipping the female youths of America a daily birth control pill and/or aborting male fetuses in utero is your responsibility and if you can't handle that, you should be rereading an anatomy text instead of this blog.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
David Duchovny probably did love Bree Sharp (biblically, that is).
David Duchovny Enters Rehab for Sex Addiction.
What this headline isn't is, "David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Enter Rehab for Sex Addiction." Obviously this means one of two things: (1) Tea ain't complainin' or (2) Tea ain't involved. Thus it begs the question, "Must sex addiction involve philandering when it is the affliction of a married individual?"I would assume it needs to be with different people. Just because simply, your partner is going to need to go to work and sleep and the dentist and stuff, and I mean, if you’re an alcoholic, even if your regular bar serves you every night, there is still going to be a certain point of the evening where the bartender says, “You’ve had enough. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off?” So do you go home and sleep it off? No. You stop at the 7-Eleven and buy a 40 and find a nice corner of the alley to hang out in, because you are not ready for this party to stop.
Case in point: Eric Benet managed to ruin his marriage with Halle Berry thanks to a sex addiction. That pretty much proves that it’s a need to more or less bone everything in sight, because Halle Berry is supposed to be the prettiest lady ever. (She’s the nicest lady ever too, because one time she showed us her boobs! [For her ART!]) If you aren’t content to stick it in the prettiest lady ever, you must have a problem. But payback is a bitch, and sure, you can have all those years of sex with thousands of women, but in the end, the woman you cheated on will have a baby with a model, while you will resume being the guy who cheated on Halle Berry, and is possibly a musician of some sort.
Though it pains me to say it, I blame Tea Leoni. Because she had to have at least vaguely known what she was getting into. Sure, you see it rosily, but when you’re marrying an alcoholic, you realize you’re going to have to make some apologetic phone calls at the very least. Did she think he would change for her? Did she think she was up to the task of non-stop sex? Was this as big a surprise to her as it was to us? Did she watch “Californication” and wonder if it was art imitating life or life imitating art? Honestly: I’d forgotten they were even married until I read this article.
How to Tell Your Kyds: "You have to have so much sex. All the time. With lots of different people. It’s like alcoholism, but with sex instead of vodka."
What this headline isn't is, "David Duchovny and Tea Leoni Enter Rehab for Sex Addiction." Obviously this means one of two things: (1) Tea ain't complainin' or (2) Tea ain't involved. Thus it begs the question, "Must sex addiction involve philandering when it is the affliction of a married individual?"I would assume it needs to be with different people. Just because simply, your partner is going to need to go to work and sleep and the dentist and stuff, and I mean, if you’re an alcoholic, even if your regular bar serves you every night, there is still going to be a certain point of the evening where the bartender says, “You’ve had enough. Why don’t you go home and sleep it off?” So do you go home and sleep it off? No. You stop at the 7-Eleven and buy a 40 and find a nice corner of the alley to hang out in, because you are not ready for this party to stop.
Case in point: Eric Benet managed to ruin his marriage with Halle Berry thanks to a sex addiction. That pretty much proves that it’s a need to more or less bone everything in sight, because Halle Berry is supposed to be the prettiest lady ever. (She’s the nicest lady ever too, because one time she showed us her boobs! [For her ART!]) If you aren’t content to stick it in the prettiest lady ever, you must have a problem. But payback is a bitch, and sure, you can have all those years of sex with thousands of women, but in the end, the woman you cheated on will have a baby with a model, while you will resume being the guy who cheated on Halle Berry, and is possibly a musician of some sort.
Though it pains me to say it, I blame Tea Leoni. Because she had to have at least vaguely known what she was getting into. Sure, you see it rosily, but when you’re marrying an alcoholic, you realize you’re going to have to make some apologetic phone calls at the very least. Did she think he would change for her? Did she think she was up to the task of non-stop sex? Was this as big a surprise to her as it was to us? Did she watch “Californication” and wonder if it was art imitating life or life imitating art? Honestly: I’d forgotten they were even married until I read this article.
How to Tell Your Kyds: "You have to have so much sex. All the time. With lots of different people. It’s like alcoholism, but with sex instead of vodka."
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